WTF Sebby isn't even a uke
by GublerRussia
Summary: Some uber crack I came up with. What the hell is happening to Sebastian? And why?


** Warning this is crack to the extreme. Do not attempt to read this unless you are very strong minded and can handle the horror written within. Don't know how I managed to come up with something so screwed up. Rereading this I just noticed how dirty Sebby and Grell are in this XD**

It was early morning at the Phantomhive manor. Everyone was fast asleep except for one Sebastian Michaelis. He slipped his pants back on and handed the other pair to his secret lover who was sprawled on the bed. The lover took the pants with a smile, his hand shaking slightly in the after math of the crazed romp that had tooken place. That had been the best, most wild, most insane sex he had ever had. Not that he had expected anything diffrent. Sebastian had pretty much the same thoughts floating through his had. That had been suprisingly satisfying. Sebastians lover slowly got dressed he had to leave before everyone woke up. Sebastian leaned over and gave his lover a passionte kiss.

"Oh Sebby! You are absolutley amazing!" Yes thats right, Sebastians secret lover was Grell. Sebastian smirked.

"Of course I am amazing. I'm one hell of a butler." Grell swooned and yanked Sebastian down to him for another passionte kiss. After a few minutes Grell was gone and Sebastian got up to start his every day duties.

Life at at the Phantomhive Manor went on as usal as Sebastian and Grell enjoyed there secret love affair. It had been two months since Sebastian and Grell had begun said affair and they were really enjoying it. It was pretty much just sex but thats what they wanted for the most part. They had gone on one or two dates but they were together practiaclly every night. Sebastian had become a bit more tolerent of Grell and Grell had stopped fangasm-ing over Sebastian so much. Lukily Ciel didn't notice this so they had no one stopping them. Sebastian was suprised they hadn't woken the young earl yet they were quite loud. He could really make Grell scream.

"Good morning young master. Did you sleep well?" Sebastian poured some tea as Ciel sat up rubbing his eyes sleepily.

"Mmm, Sebastian? Oh my I had the strangest dream."

"Oh really and what was that?" He handed the tea to Ciel who took a sip. He looked a bit frazzled.

"Forget it. It was just a silly dream after all." He swung his legs off the bed so Sebastian could dress him. He bent over slightly and began to unbotton his masters shirt.

"Sebastian, is it just me or are you getting fat?" Sebastion blinked at the blunt remark. He looked down at his slightly protruding stomach. When had that happend? He didn't even eat food!

"Hmmm, thats strange. Perhaps my human form is wearing thin? Well in any case you have to get dressed. You are quite busy today." Wow he must have been in human form to long, not only was he getting fat but he had been throwing up recently to. Sometimes if you stayed in human form for to long problems like that would arise. He would have to go home and fix himself up a bit later. He finished dressing Ciel and rose.

"Now I think-" He clamped his hand to his mouth quickly and his face turned a pale green.

"Sebastian what-" Sebastion quickly ran out of the room and down the hall. Ciel could hear him retching in the bathroom. He cringed his nose in disgust. Sebastian came back in a few minutes very pale and holding his stomach.

"I am sorry my lord but this body seems to be weakining. May I have my masters permission to go fix it back at home?"

"Of course I need you well to get everything done today. Where is your home anyway?"

"Hell."

"Of course it is."

Sebastian had yet to return and Ciel was getting annoyed. He walked the halls aimlessly as he waited. He walked around to the front hall to see Grell sneaking in. Oh goody. What was he being so sneaky for? He was tip toeing to the back hall that wasn't like him at all. He would normally just burst in and attack anything that moved. Or try to molest his butler.

"Grell, what do you think your doing?" Grell jumped. Crap Ciel had spotted him! He just wanted to get the necklace he had left there last night. It was brand new and he wanted to wear it to the party tonight.

"Ummm uhh, I'm just..." Grell had no idea what to say.

"Trying to sneak up on Sebastian again?"

"Um, Yes! Yes that is what I am doing!" Was it just Ciel or was he being to enthusiastic about being caught?

"Well thats to bad he's not here right now so you can get out."

"But..." He was not leaving without that necklace! There was no other like it in the world and he wasn't about to lose it to a bratty kid who thought he was boss! Just then the front doors flung open and there stood Sebastian. Both Grell and Ciel jumped at the sudden noise. Sebastian's eyes were wild and he looked very confused. And not to mention extremely pissed off.

"Sebastian there you are I-" Sebastian looked up at him his eyes so angry that he just shut up. He had never been afraid of Sebastian before but now, he was utterly terrified. The man looked like he was about to commit murder. And not only that he was very pale and sweaty and his hands were all bloody but he had no cuts. So he'd clearly killed something, or somone. Even Grell looked scared.

"I'm... I'm... I'm fucking-" he turned around quickly and barfed in a bush beside the stairs. Ciel and Grell looked at each other. What the fuck was going on? Sebastian wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and turned back to them.

"Um... Sebby?" Grell had never seen Sebastian sick before. This was wierd. Sebastian blinked at Grell and just stared at him for a moment. Then he jumped forward grabbing Grell by the shirt collar and hoisting him in the air. He shreaked loudly as Sebastian shook him back and forth.

"YOU! This is all your fault you little- wait." He suddenly dropped Grell who shreaked again. He landed hard on his butt.

"Ow what the hell!"

"That doesn't make sense I was the one fucking you."

"Huh?"

"What," Ciel cried. "You two have been...ew...how long has this been going on?" Sebastian looked over at his master.

"Who the hell cares!" Ciel gasped. Sebastian never disrespected him like that!

"Sebastian how dare you talk to me that way! What has gotten into you!"

"A baby apparently!"

"Sebby what are you talking about?" Sebastian flung his arms in the air.

"I'm fucking pregnant!"

"WHAT," Ciel and Grell yelled.

"How the fuck did that happen? Your the one who fucks me that doesn't even make sense!"

"Like it matters whos... doing who, men don't get pregnat," Ciel cried.

"Thats exactly what I said to the demon who fixs out worn bodies! But she insited so I tore her apart with my bare hands. But her assistant told me the same fucking thing. I'm a fucking prego!" Ciel and Grell stared in amazment. How the hell had any of this happend?

It had been six months and Sebastian had been doing his work same as allways. It was like nothing had changed except the size of Sebastians stomach. And the mood swings, oh the mood swings! Those had been going on for a month now and the Phantomhive houshold residents had yet to get used to them. Sebastian had gotten over his shock and seemed to actually not mind as much. Ciel had even caught him talking to his stomach once and sometimes he would sing it lullabies. Needless to say Ciel was pretty freaked out. But Sebastian was as dutiful as ever and he had nothing to complain about.

"Yes, my lord called?" Sebastian appeared at the door of Ciel's study. Ciel tried to look anywhere but his gargantuan stomach.

"I would like a snack. Something sweet."

"But sir you will ruin your- ow! Quit down you." Sebastian looked down at his stomach, the baby had just kicked.

"I don't care if it will ruin my appetite I want it!"

"Really my lord your worse than the baby." Ciel paled at this remark.

"Ow!"

"Sebatian just go!" Sebastian sighed.

"Right away sir. Ah! Well aren't we feisty today." Sebastian put his hands on his hips and stared down at his orb of a stomach. He left the room and Ciel slid down in his chair. God this was wierd. Sebastian came back up a few minutes later with a slice of apple pie. He set it on the table with a grimace.

"This kid really needs to chill out a little." Ciel found this a bit disturbing. Espicially when Sebastian began rubbing his stomach and humming a soft tune. Just then Elizebeth came bursting through the door.

"Ciel!" He groaned. Couldn't he just enjoy some pie in peace? "Oh hello Sebastian hows the baby?"

"Fussy." He grimaced again and Ciel stood.

"Lizzy I will have to ask you to leave. I am very busy- ah!" He tripped on his shoe lace and fell into Sebastian who luckily caught him in his arms so he merley lay against his stomach harmlessly.

"Well that would have been very unfortunte for the both of us wouldn't it?" Ciel nodded and began to move away when he felt the baby kick. He shreaked and backed away.

"What the hell was that!"

"Well obviously the baby kicked didn't it," Elizebeth cooed at Sebastians stomach. He smiled proudly and let Elizebeth touch his stomach. Ciel took the oppurtunity to leave. He really needed a nap. And it was almost three. That meant Grell was coming for his daily visit. Huzzah.

The next day Sebastian seemed to be much better. The baby hadn't been going nuts and he was really cheerful. But suddenly, his mood took a turn for the worse. Ciel had called him to his study again and had simply asked him for some tea.

"No you little shit."

"Excuse me!" Ciel was completely stunned.

"Fuck off! Ask Bard to do it." Sebastian stormed out grumbling something about watermelon. What the fuck just happend? Sebastian walked down the front stairs and headed for the kitchen. He plopped down on a stool and glared at Bard.

"Whats up Sebastian? You uh, need help with something?" He flicked his eyes down at his stomach and then looked back up.

"Yes, go make the little shit some tea. And get me some fucking watermelon before I disembowel you." Bard's face turned grey and he quickly did as he was told. On his way to Ciel's study he stopped Finny and gave him some money.

"Go buy Sebastian some watermelon pronto. He's gone nuts again."

"Okee dokey!" Finny rushed out to get the watermelon and returned home as quickly as possible. He skipped over to the kitchen and swung the door open. Sebastian was sitting in the same stool and throwing plates at the wall. There were broken bits of porcelain all over the floor and scratches on the wall.

"Um... sir? I got you the watermelon. Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm not okay! I just want some salad! Is that so much to ask?"

"But Bard said watermelon..." Sebastian grabbed the watermelon from Finny's hands.

"Well he must be deaf because I said salad!" He whipped the watermelon at the kitchen doorway where Lau had just entered.

"W- oof!" The watermelon had hit him right in the head and with such force that it splattered everywere. Finny was sprayed with pink pulp and seeds and Lau passed out from the crushing blow.

"I'll disembowel you to if you don't make me some fucking salad!"

"Y-yes sir." Finny dashed to the cupboard and took out a bowl and a fork. He could hear Sebastian talking to his stomach as he prepared the salad.

"Mommy's sorry he yelled like that. It's okay were going to have a nice salad and everything will be better." Finny paled and rushed out into the garden to get vegetables. He saw Grell at the gate when he headed out. It must be three.

Grell entered the kitchen with a smile.

"How is my big boy today." He sat besides Sebastian and nuzzled against his arm. Grell had taken this whole prego thing suprisingly well and seemed pretty excited.

"Alright." He sighed and looked down at the floor.

"Oh, whats wrong darling? The baby isn't hurting again is it?" Grell patted Sebastians stomach gently.

"No I..." Sebastian layed his head on the table and began to sob. "We haven't h-had sex in f-f-forever and it m-makes me so sad!"

"Oh, I know sweety but it will all be over soon." He stroked Sebastians hair gently. Finny walked in and placed the vegetables on the counter.

"I m-miss your ass s-s-sooooo much," Sebastian sobbed. Finny's eyes went wide and he hurried making the salad. He plopped it in front of Sebastian and rushed to leave. "Wait Finny.'' Sebastian had raised his head his cheeks tear stained. "Could you make Grell one to? You want a salad to right?"

"Sure dear." Grell hugged Sebastians arm and kissed his cheek. Anything to make the man calm done.

"God, were going to have to fuck like animals once this kid is out." Grell smiled at that and Finny blushed bright red. Suddenly Sebastian stopped crying and sat up straight. Finny placed the salad on the table and went to leave again. "Finny?"

"Y-yes sir?"

"Why don't you make one for yourself and come sit with us? Your such a good boy you deserve a break." He smiled warmly and patted the seat next to him. Grell looked at Finny and shrugged.

"Um...o-okay." Finny didn't want him to get angry again. They all sat and ate for awhile and then Sebastian began telling them jokes. They were all laughing and choking on tomatoes. They were actually having a good time! Finny even sung a little song and Grell and Sebastian clapped.

"Finny, do you like bunnies? I like bunnies." Finny was suprised at the random question.

"Um ya I do. Espically the ones with floppy ears."

"Oh ya me too," Grell chirped. So now they were talking about cute animals and drinking cups of tea. It was really strange but no one was questioning Sebastians good mood.

"Oh Grell! You wouldn't believe the butterfly I spotted on those lovley flowers Finny planted it was-"

"Butterfly?" Lau had fianally woken up and he stood in the doorway clutching his head. Sebastian grabbed his empty bowl and whipped around so fast he was practically a blur. His eyes flashed with rage and he chucked the china bowl as hard as he could.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" The bowl smashed right in Lau's face and shattered into a million pieces. He slumped back onto the floor and Finny and Grell stared in shock.

"Anywho it was as big as my hand and bright red! It was so beautiful!" His bright smile had returned and he was all sugar and rainbows again. There was something really wrong here.

Four weeks later and Sebastians stomach had reached record size. Ciel didn't think he had ever seen something so huge in his life. Grell seemed pretty excited, he just knew the baby was coming soon! Sebastian was starting to get scared. How the hell was the kid going to get out? What ever it was it wasn't gonna be pretty. He began to get dressed for the day. He could no longer reach his feet so Bard had to help him with his shoes. And button his pants. Akward.

Sebastian walked to the kitchen to make Ciel his usual morning tea. Things as simple as walking had become harder for him now so it took a while. Ciel took his slower pace pretty well after all, the poor man was pregnant. And very pregnant at that. Sebastian made his way up to Ciels study and placed the tea on Ciel's desk. He was completly exhausted from climbing the stairs when lugging so much wait on his front. He fell into a chair and tried to catch his breath.

"Sebastian, I don't have much work today perhaps you should take the day off..."

"Why sir! I could never-"

"Look I don't want you giving birth all over my study! You look, and act, as if your about to burst! Just go relax in your room and I'll have a doctor stay here until you actually do burst."

"Well... thank you sir." Sebastian rose with some diffuculity and left to his room. Once there he plopped into his bed and slept until three when Grell arrived.

"Sebby! Oh, don't scare me like that! I saw a doctor and I thought... never mind. How are you?"

"Alright I suppose." Grell helped Sebastian sit up so they could talk.

"So what are we gonna do when the kids born? You aren't going to be as nice to me huh? You won't have to depend on my help anymore."

"Well I suppose I'll have to be moderatly nice to you for the baby and all...and I've gotta treat you fairly if I want some of that sweet ass right?"

"Of course, you should always be kind to a lady if you want to get in her pants." Grell winked and Sebastian chuckled. He didn't really mind Grell as much as he used to. But that could be the baby harmones talking.

The doctor visited Sebastians room the next morning and said the baby should be due as early as tomorrow! Grell was estatic and Finny and Meyrin skipped around the grounds crying we're gonna have a baby~! Ciel didn't seem to care at all and Sebastian was scared shitless. Again the question of how was it going to get out had popped up in his mind. What if it came out of his penis? Or worse what if it acted like Grell? Oh god no, that was NOT happening. Sebastian spent most of the next two days watching Finny garden. He didn't have much else to do Ciel wouldn't let him work in fear that he would explode baby juices all over his manor.

Sebastian was now two weeks over due and everyone was freaking out. Even Ciel and thats just not normal. What was taking so long anyway? Sebastian was a wreck somewhere between hopelessly bored and hopelessly scared. Couldn't he just get this over with already? He woke up from about his tenth nap that day and sighed. He had enough of sleeping he wanted to do something! Anything! He suddenly got a huge craving for cherries. No one was around so he rolled out of bed like a giant butter ball and headed for the kitchens. He got down there and saw that the cupbard with the cherries in it was locked. Right, that was where the master hid his candy so Lizzy and Finny wouldn't get it. The key for it was in Ciel's night stand drawer. Damn. Well he wasn't about to give up now. He huffed and puffed his way up to the young earls room and swung the door open. Ciel had been reading in bed and jumped at Sebastians sudden appearance.

"What in the world do you think your doing?"

"C-cherries..." Sebastian wheezed.

"Cherries? Get back in bed your like a great whale!" Just then Sebastian felt a tremendous pain tear through his stomach. It was like he had been struck with lightning and stabbed at the same time. He screamed and collapsed to the floor. Ciel,never having heard Sebastian scream, and knowing he was about to give birth, was spazzing out majorly. He had no idea what to do at all. Sebastian writhed in pain for a moment and looked up at Ciel.

"You dumbass I'm about to have a baby and god knows how! Go get the fucking doctor!" He screamed again and grabbed his stomach. Ciel rushed of to find the doctor and came back four minutes later. Sebastian was still on the floor but now he was laying in a pool of clear liquid. Ciel did not want to know what that was. Finny came in and lifted Sebastian on the bed.

"Oh no! He is not having a baby in _my_ bed!"

"Theres no time to move him," the doctor said. He grabbed some gloves and barked at Finny and Ciel to get him warm water and towels. They did as they were told and left the room. They certainly didn't want to see how a man gave birth. Grell showed up soon after and went straight in. He quickly came back out.

"He told me he would rip my balls off if I even thought about being there. What a sweet heart." Grell pouted and sat on the carpet. Everyone waited quitley. A couple of nurses showed up and everyone could hear Sebastian screaming like he was being skinned alive. Bard threw up and Ciel fanted. Finny ran away crying and Grell and Meyrin clung to each other jumping at every sound.

"Wait why am I holding onto a usless woman like you?" Grell shoved Meyrin away by her face and she shreaked as she tumbled backwards. After about and hour the yelling stopped. Finny had come back by this time and everyone listend hard for the noise thay were waiting for. And the were rewarded with a babys soft cry. The cry quickly turned to wails and everyone cheered.

It was a boy. It had red eyes just like sebastian and it was really, really fat. The first thing Grell thought when he saw it was wow that must've hurt. Sebastian looked like a train wreck. He was all sweaty and looked like he was about to pass out. Grell was the first to hold the baby.

"Oh he's so cuuuute! He better be gay though." Sebatian smiled weakly and closed his eyes. That was the most terrible thing he'd ever expirenced. Why'd the kid have to be so damn fat huh?

"I wanna hold the baby."

"No Finny you might hurt him."

"I'll be careful! He's a baby after all!" Sebastian and Finny argued a bit but in the end Finny got his wish. They all held the baby and even Ciel seemed happy. Eventually Sebastian got to hold his own child. Though at first he didn't want to hold him because he had caused him so much pain. He just wanted him away from him. But now he held his baby and he actually felt really happy. He dozed off holding the baby and so began his new life.

Grell held Milo and cooed.

"What a cute little boy you are. Yes you are." The baby laughed and grabbed Grell's nose. Sebastian looked back to the window he was cleaning across the room. He was actually... sorta... happy with this kind of life. Grell wasn't as much of a pain and Ciel was a bit nicer to him. Though he had Milo hanging off of him everywere he went making things a bit diffucult he was still quit content. He wiped the last smudge away and turned around. Ciel walked in passing behind Grell.

"You have something in your hair," he sneered.

"Ah were!" Grell shot his hands up to his hair. Wait the baby! Sebastian was suddenly in front of Grell and caught Milo about two inches from the floor.

"Oh my god I'm so sorry! I'm a terrible parent! I- wait how did you catch him? You were all the way over there!"

"I'm simply one hell of a mother." Ciel blanched at the remark and left the room quickly. Grell was mortified for weeks over his blunder and wouldn't allow himself to touch the baby. Pretty soon he forgot all about it, cuz thats just how he is, and he was holding the kid all over the joint. One day he lifted Milo up from his nap and took him outside to play while Sebastian did something for Ciel. He placed the baby in the grass in front of him so he could sit upright by leaning on Grell's stomach. Sebastian came out a little while later and sat with them.

"Sebby, have you noticed anything strange about Milo?"

"Hmm? Well not really why?"

"It's just his eyes look a diffrent color." Sebastian shrugged.

"Babies eye's change color."

"Yes I know but they almost look... purple."

"Here let me see." He picked up Milo who drooled and giggled.

"Da-da!" He yanked at Sebastians hair.

"Ah! You little pest! Always yanking on something of mine aren't ya." Grell blushed thinking of a very inappropriate place that could be yanked.

"He's starting to get hair to see," Grell pointed out. The baby grabbed Grells finger and pulled it.

"Phalange!" Grell blinked at the use of such a big word.

"Why is everything he says something like phalange or elphant yet he still says da-da and mum?"

"Well no kid of mine is going to be a moron."

"But thats a bit extreme for a kid who isn't even one yet don't you think!"

"Your right, his eyes are purple. And he is getting hair but, it's not black or red. It's pale blonde."

"Hmmm thats wierd why would-" Just then a yellow butterfly landed in the grass near Milo's foot. He shreaked and cried out,

"Beautiful!" And it suddenly struck Grell and Sebastian why Milo might not look anyhing like them.

About a month later and Milo's hair had grown much longer and his eyes had turned a magnificent light purple. Grell and Sebastian and pretty much everyone who knew them had come to the same conclusin. Grell was not the mother/father of Milo. And it only made sense since Grell had always bottomed. But Sebastian hadn't had sex with any one else and if he did he wouldn't have been on bottom. So Sebastian went to confirm what him and Grell had found out on the day of the yellow butterfly. At first they had not been sure but now, he just knew. There was no denying it the kid looked just like him. What the fuck.

Sebastian's heels clicked on the tile as he walked to the man's living room. He was entertaining some guests and Sebastian had to knock out the door man to get in. Milo clung to his arm gurgling and blowing spit bubbles.

"Ooh da-da beautiful," he said pointing at a picture on the wall. " Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful" he cried pointing at various things. Sebastian was startingto freak out and by the time he got to the living room he was ready to kill.

"Oh darling I know. Oh, what a beautiful necklace Mrs. Petal it's absolutley stunning like a-"

"DRUITT!" Druitt spun around to see Sebastian standing in the doorway. He remembered him from the amazing ice sculpture he made and swooned.

"Sebastian! Oh such a wonderful man in my home! I am greatly honored." He took a bow and Sebastian gritted his teeth trying not to pounce on the man and murder him. The woman in the room looked at him in awe. He was so handsome!

"Druitt, why don't you explain this to me?" He held out his arm were the baby clung. He hung off his arm like a koala on a tree branch. He giggled happily and chewed on his fathers sleeve.

"It's a baby of course! Oh and how cute!" Oh ya, Sebastian was going to kill him.

"Would you like to explain why my kid looks exactly like you?"

"Your kid? I didn't know you had a girlfriend."

"I don't. I do have a boyfriend of sorts but I am most certianlly not on the bottom. So again, why the fuck does my kid look like you!"

"Alright, alright! You got me. I might have been horny one night and snuck into you room and... ya. What? Your just so gorgeous! I couldn't help myself!" Sebastian grabbed Druitt by the neck and throttled him.

"YOU RAPED ME IN MY SLEEP! WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Um, I'm sorry?"

"Sorry? Sorry! Have you ever had a living, breathing, being rammed out of your ass! It is not... a fun... expirence!" Sebastian had to pause here and there to smack Druitt a good one. After beating Druitt thoroughly he stormed off some where. But don't worry he came back, and what he did next wasn't pretty.

"So Milo is really Druitts baby?" Grell frowned. He liked being a mother!

"Sadly enough. Don't worry, I pick you over him as a parent. And i'd like to know how I didn't wake up. He must have a pencil dick." Grell snickered. "And I still don't know how I got pregnant. I'm a male demon for heavens sake!" Grell shrugged his shoulders. He kissed Sebastian on the cheek and then left to go buy a new dress in town. He bumped into Druitt outside of the shop. It had only been two hours since Sebastian had visited him and he was covered in bruises. Plus he was walking with his legs really far apart and kind of waddling, like some freakish bow legged duck.

"Whats wrong with you?"

"I'm in horrible pain." Tears were streaming down his face and he hissed everytime he moved.

"Why?"

"Well have you ever had a whole watermelon shoved up your ass?"

**So ya, pretty fucked up huh? Ya my friend and I have been discussing what would happen if diffrent people from Black Butler got pregnat. Yes we have issues. She actually just posted a story called Not so Impossible. Her pename is I'mObsessedWithCriminalMinds you should really read it. It's fucking hilarious. So hope you liked it. Review?**


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